And now a few words about cracking

Everybody in the world hates cracking. It's annoying. I'm sorry. I can't help myself. I don't even realize I'm doing it. Here, I'm taking the gum out right now.

Cracking causes problems in my relationships. People can't stand it. They tell me it's revolting. That it turns their stomach. They request that I remove gum in their presence. It's that bad.

As hard as I try, I really can't chew gum without snapping it. It feels too good not to. The gum's already in the back of my mouth. How can my jaw and I ignore that fact? It's there to be cracked.

Recently, Roseland Ballroom held a competition for fastest texter and the winner got $50,000. I wish they'd hold a contest for gum cracking. I'm not saying I'd win, but I'd come in second or third for sure.

In conclusion, it feels good to crack gum, but it's annoying to the rest of the world. Sorry, rest of the world!

A Piece of My Mind Regarding Packaging - Piece. Get it?

I love Mentos candies, so you can imagine how excited I was to try their new gum. Against my better judgment, I bought some. I say my better judgment because take a look at the packaging. It's a plastic tube! Of course, I'm such a gum whore that if it had been amazing, I'd be like screw landfills. But it wasn't.

Which takes me to another issue I have with packaging: the individual plastic pellet wrapping. This has been around for a few years and I resented/resisted it for a long time. I refused to buy Dentyne Ice and all those gums because I thought they were making the gum seem so precious and special, all wrapped in its own plastic bubble. I guess they were trying to upscale gum. Like I said, I resisted it for awhile, but then caved. As usual. I don't need to upload an image. We chew this shit everyday. It's a total plastic nightmare. The end.

Gum is ass-tastic

FROM THE NEW YORK POST:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/08192008/news/worldnew

Can you chew gum and recover from surgery at the same time? British researchers say it's a great idea for some patients.
Chewing gum may speed the return of normal bowel function after colon surgery, a new analysis of five studies suggests.
Some patients have difficulty moving their bowels following colon surgery, but chewing gum may actually fool the body into good digestion.
Gum gets the juices flowing, literally. Besides saliva, it may stimulate gut hormones and pancreatic secretions, according to the study's authors, researchers at Imperial College London.
The findings, published in the August issue of Archives of Surgery, come from an analysis of five studies with a total of 158 patients.s/by_gum__what_a_discovery__125079.htm

I never thought I'd ever use the word "ass-tastic." It's a different generation of people who use this word. It's people who take improv classes and say "Whatty McWhattystein." But sometimes you have to do what's best and here, there is no better word than ass-tastic.

Aspartame

Is a scary chemical, if you google it and it's in most gums. The only gum I could find that doesn't have aspartame in it, besides that organic stuff that's $2.50 a pack, is Chiclets. Good old-fashioned Chiclets. Which is why when you chew good old-fashioned Chiclets, it turns to cardboard within 3 minutes. That's the downside of having no chemicals in your gum. On days that I feel aware of aspartame, I buy Chiclets. I get funny looks from people at my job when i have Chiclets on my desk, like they're envisioning me wearing a striped, long bathing suit from the 20s. Don't even try to explain Charms candies to these people. They see you eating Charms candies and next thing you know, they're taking you out behind a barn and shooting you.

I've been dying to talk about this for years

My all-time favorite gum for cracking has my all-time favorite slogan: Freedent: Won't Stick To Most Dental Work. It's the most lawyer-ly slogan ever. It's so timid, so filled with the air of expected litigation, so hedging its bets that I just love it.

You know the lawyers said, you can't say it won't stick to all dental work, how about saying some and then Wrigley said, some? how is some going to help us? and then they agreed on most.

Too Seinfeldian? I know.

Of course, you can't love a gum just because of its slogan. That would be superficial. I also love Freedent because of its hard consistency. It makes you put a little effort into chewing. It's just you and the gum figuring things out together. Because you have to chomp on it, it has a powerful cracking action. It's simply the best gum to crack. I know! Everybody hates cracking! I'm getting to that.

This is what I'm currently enjoying

I just realized after uploading this picture that I hate consumerism and that if I upload pictures of gum, I'm helping the gum companies out. But then again I help the gum companies out all the time by buying their delicious gum.

In uploading this image, I feel like a 20-something blogger who has no problem buying shit all the time and raving about it on his/her blog. Also, people might assume that this is a guerilla marketing ploy by the gum companies to get people to buy more gum. Look what having a blog for 2 seconds does to you.

In any case, I like the this flavor and Cool Bubble. My friend Jodie says that it's got a "slick" texture and that the flavor is long-lasting: "you start to think it's over, but it's not." It's also a good gum for cracking.

Never-Asked Questions About This Blog

1) Why are you starting a blog about gum?
2) Doesn't your jaw hurt from chewing all that gum?
3) Can I have a piece?

Ah, where to begin.

Where does one begin to explain the origins of their blog? To describe that moment they realized they had an overwhelming desire to sit down and write a bunch of shit nobody will ever read?

If you must know, I chew alot of gum. Every day. Packs of it. At work, people know to come to me for gum. So my boss said to me, you should write a blog about gum. I know! Hurtful and sarcastic. But guess what? She wasn't being sarcastic. She really meant it. And that is the story of how this blog came to fruition. Juicy Fruit-ion. I think I just found the level of this blog.