Comfortably Gum

Check it out

2009-02-02T21:06:00.000-08:00

I found an old blog of mine. It's funny, if I do say so myself.

http://therzreport.blogspot.com/

Wait for it

2009-02-02T20:58:00.000-08:00

I hereby declare, by the power vested by me, that the phrase "wait for it" is officially dead. As evidenced by its inclusion in an article published in the New York Post on Sunday, February 1, the year of our lord (well, your lord) 2009. Goodbye and good luck, wait for it.

A Friend Indeed

2009-02-02T20:51:00.000-08:00

A friend got me a great bday present. It was a gift bag filled with packs of gum. Wasn't that sweet? I'm up to my balls in gum and loving it. G-d forbid McDonald's gets jealous of how popular my blog is and tries to sue me for using their verbiage. Which they can't do anyway.

So now I just sit in my apartment and chomp away. I might not be working, but my jaw sure is.

You Bet Your Sweet Minty

2009-01-09T22:34:00.000-08:00

Not only do I love the flavor of this gum, I love the name: Sweet Mint. It sounds like something sexist a boss might have said to his secretary 40 years ago. "Adele, get your sweet mint in here and bring your pad. I have some dictation for you." That dirty bird!

F Facebook

2008-12-04T07:58:00.000-08:00

I hate Facebook. I hate looking up people from high school and seeing them posing with their families. I hate the wall with the cutesy-wutesy updates like so and so is thinking of moving to Ibiza, so and so is cranky, so and so is...narcissistic?? How about that?

It's a special kind of torture spending time on Facebook.

Guess what, idiots? In a year, there will be something else you'll have to join and you will.

I thought yesterday it would be funny to send out an email that I've joined Friendster and ask everybody to be my friend on that.

I am getting my period and that makes everything seem worse. You know what makes things better?

Women Are The Worst

2008-12-02T12:18:00.001-08:00

You know what I mean?

Dancing With The "Stars"

2008-11-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

If someone had told me 10 years ago that one of the highest-rated TV shows in 2008 would be a ballroom dance competition show with Cloris Leachman, Susan Lucci and Toni Braxton, I'd start giggling like someone was tickling me. What? When it first came on, it reminded me of a show my grandmother might have watched, but that would've been on Saturday at 7:30pm from a station in New Jersey, not 2 nights a week prime time on ABC.

On the other hand, when I was kid, they had cheesy specials like Battle of the Network Stars which I loved loved loved. Except that came on once a year and featured the hottest people of the moment, not desperados needing a career boost.

I can't make up my mind if this proves that TV is changing forever or not.

My hats off to

2008-10-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

the maker of Mike and Ike's Berry Blast. Way to update an old candy and make it tart, delicious and contemporary.

It's official. All compliments from now on will sound like something Tim Gunn might say.

Some Pie-ple

2008-10-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

Question: Why does Ethel Merman seem so angry at blueberry pie in the song "Some People" from "Gypsy" when she sings "Goodbye to blueberry pie?"

Answer which I just figured out: That's just how she sings. With anger and determination.

Ethel was famous for never needing a mic. And being married to Ernest Borgnine.

I'm guessing the name Ethel will not be embraced by hipsters, even though similar names are being slapped on kids these days.

What's the gum angle to this? Fond memories of the only blueberry gum I can think of...Hubba Bubba.

http://www.inthe80s.com/food/blueberryhubbabubba0.shtml

Bubble Yum - You Bet!

2008-09-29T20:40:00.001-07:00

When I was a little kid, the choices for bubble gum were Dubble Bubble, Bazooka Joe and Trident. Dubble Bubble was tough, powdery and lost flavor in 2 seconds. Bazooka Joe was hard as a rock, did taste good when your jaw finally broke it down, but had lame, pointless comics that would anger me. Trident was boring and sugarless - mom gum - only an option when nothing else was around.

And then Bubble Yum came out and my life changed forever. Cue angels singing. Bubble Yum was so sugary, so soft and easy to chew... Please. My eyes are misting just thinking about it.

Bubble Yum became so popular they ran out of it! Some industrious kids at school got their hands on boxes of it and sold it to us at a price. All of a sudden this kid went from being a friend to your ruthless drug dealer.

Soon after the introduction of Bubble Yum, Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious came out and tried to kick Bubble Yum's ass. But they could not. Sure, they had more exotic flavors than Bubble Yum like watermelon - but it just wasn't the same. Nothing was and nothing ever will be!

I found this account of the Great Bubble Yum Shortage. http://www.topsecretrecipes.com/thesleuth.asp?id=3

I remembered it accurately. Here is blog account from of one of those kids who sold it at school. http://ckbigelow.blogspot.com/2008/09/bonzo-for-bubble-yum.html

The Party's Over

2008-09-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, they changed the design of WAMUs. Out went a somber, quiet atmosphere in which conservatively-dressed tellers sat behind steel bars and in its place came crazy dance music, balloons and kiosks. The tellers wore denim shirts and banking became fun and friendly! I didn't like it one bit. I knew something was amiss. It was too casual for a bank. If I had wanted to have a fun and friendly experience, I would have taken a Carnival Cruise. See where being all cazh gets you?

Freshen Up Dilemma

2008-09-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

You know what gets under my skin besides my bank defaulting? Twice this month, I bought Freshen Up gum thinking it was bubble gum and it turned out to be cinnamon.

Look at the packaging. The one on the top is bubble gum. The kind I wanted! The one beneath it is gross cinnamon. It's easy to confuse the two when you're grabbing yourself some deliciousness in a hurry.

I know nobody cares about Freshen Up gum since it's only enjoyed by old people, but since it's been around since 1975, they should have their shit together by now. Don't you think?

I won't be so cavalier and easygoing next time I pick up a pack.

Angry Lady On Phone

2008-09-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

I should have more compassion for Washington Mutual customer service people because they're probably going to lose their jobs. I should be nicer. It's not their fault the bank ran itself into the ground. But last night, I couldn't help it. I had to express outrage. Just like a good white person! (Isn't "Expressing Outrage" a category in that Stuff White People Like book?)

The guy told me that everything was going to be exactly the same during the "merger" process. I got upset. I said, "Merger? It's not exactly a merger when you have no money and the government has taken you over and you're being bought by another bank!"

Then a few seconds later I apologized for being rude. So I guess you could say I'm the nicest mean person he spoke to that day.

I immediately realized after my outburst that I needed to give him a break. He was just reading from the "Soothing The Nerves of Customers Affected By The Biggest Bank Failure in US History" script given to him before his shift. Sorry!

Gum-free entry

2008-09-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

Last month, I joined the human race. I bought an iPod. Up til then, I had been secretly using a yellow Discman. Secretly because I had been getting teased. Alot. People were pushing other people out of the way to come up to me on the street to insult me and my Discman. Hey. You know it's time to upgrade when homeless people roll their eyes at you.

I bought Gold Digger off iTunes. What a great song. The reason I'm bringing it up is this. I think Jamie Foxx is singing "Dom DeLuise" in the background. Listen and get back to me. I know it can't be possible and I know how easy it would be to look up the lyrics, but I like the idea that he is, so I don't want to know what he's really saying. I've always loved Dom DeLuise. "Fatso" is one of my favorite movies.

And now a few words about cracking

2008-08-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

Everybody in the world hates cracking. It's annoying. I'm sorry. I can't help myself. I don't even realize I'm doing it. Here, I'm taking the gum out right now.

Cracking causes problems in my relationships. People can't stand it. They tell me it's revolting. That it turns their stomach. They request that I remove gum in their presence. It's that bad.

As hard as I try, I really can't chew gum without snapping it. It feels too good not to. The gum's already in the back of my mouth. How can my jaw and I ignore that fact? It's there to be cracked.

Recently, Roseland Ballroom held a competition for fastest texter and the winner got $50,000. I wish they'd hold a contest for gum cracking. I'm not saying I'd win, but I'd come in second or third for sure.

In conclusion, it feels good to crack gum, but it's annoying to the rest of the world. Sorry, rest of the world!

A Piece of My Mind Regarding Packaging - Piece. Get it?

2008-08-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

I love Mentos candies, so you can imagine how excited I was to try their new gum. Against my better judgment, I bought some. I say my better judgment because take a look at the packaging. It's a plastic tube! Of course, I'm such a gum whore that if it had been amazing, I'd be like screw landfills. But it wasn't.

Which takes me to another issue I have with packaging: the individual plastic pellet wrapping. This has been around for a few years and I resented/resisted it for a long time. I refused to buy Dentyne Ice and all those gums because I thought they were making the gum seem so precious and special, all wrapped in its own plastic bubble. I guess they were trying to upscale gum. Like I said, I resisted it for awhile, but then caved. As usual. I don't need to upload an image. We chew this shit everyday. It's a total plastic nightmare. The end.

Gum is ass-tastic

2008-08-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

FROM THE NEW YORK POST:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/08192008/news/worldnew

Can you chew gum and recover from surgery at the same time? British researchers say it's a great idea for some patients.
Chewing gum may speed the return of normal bowel function after colon surgery, a new analysis of five studies suggests.
Some patients have difficulty moving their bowels following colon surgery, but chewing gum may actually fool the body into good digestion.
Gum gets the juices flowing, literally. Besides saliva, it may stimulate gut hormones and pancreatic secretions, according to the study's authors, researchers at Imperial College London.
The findings, published in the August issue of Archives of Surgery, come from an analysis of five studies with a total of 158 patients.s/by_gum__what_a_discovery__125079.htm

I never thought I'd ever use the word "ass-tastic." It's a different generation of people who use this word. It's people who take improv classes and say "Whatty McWhattystein." But sometimes you have to do what's best and here, there is no better word than ass-tastic.

Aspartame

2008-08-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

Is a scary chemical, if you google it and it's in most gums. The only gum I could find that doesn't have aspartame in it, besides that organic stuff that's $2.50 a pack, is Chiclets. Good old-fashioned Chiclets. Which is why when you chew good old-fashioned Chiclets, it turns to cardboard within 3 minutes. That's the downside of having no chemicals in your gum. On days that I feel aware of aspartame, I buy Chiclets. I get funny looks from people at my job when i have Chiclets on my desk, like they're envisioning me wearing a striped, long bathing suit from the 20s. Don't even try to explain Charms candies to these people. They see you eating Charms candies and next thing you know, they're taking you out behind a barn and shooting you.

I've been dying to talk about this for years

2008-08-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

My all-time favorite gum for cracking has my all-time favorite slogan: Freedent: Won't Stick To Most Dental Work. It's the most lawyer-ly slogan ever. It's so timid, so filled with the air of expected litigation, so hedging its bets that I just love it.

You know the lawyers said, you can't say it won't stick to all dental work, how about saying some and then Wrigley said, some? how is some going to help us? and then they agreed on most.

Too Seinfeldian? I know.

Of course, you can't love a gum just because of its slogan. That would be superficial. I also love Freedent because of its hard consistency. It makes you put a little effort into chewing. It's just you and the gum figuring things out together. Because you have to chomp on it, it has a powerful cracking action. It's simply the best gum to crack. I know! Everybody hates cracking! I'm getting to that.

This is what I'm currently enjoying

2008-08-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

I just realized after uploading this picture that I hate consumerism and that if I upload pictures of gum, I'm helping the gum companies out. But then again I help the gum companies out all the time by buying their delicious gum.

In uploading this image, I feel like a 20-something blogger who has no problem buying shit all the time and raving about it on his/her blog. Also, people might assume that this is a guerilla marketing ploy by the gum companies to get people to buy more gum. Look what having a blog for 2 seconds does to you.

In any case, I like the this flavor and Cool Bubble. My friend Jodie says that it's got a "slick" texture and that the flavor is long-lasting: "you start to think it's over, but it's not." It's also a good gum for cracking.

Never-Asked Questions About This Blog

2008-08-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

1) Why are you starting a blog about gum?
2) Doesn't your jaw hurt from chewing all that gum?
3) Can I have a piece?

Ah, where to begin.

Where does one begin to explain the origins of their blog? To describe that moment they realized they had an overwhelming desire to sit down and write a bunch of shit nobody will ever read?

If you must know, I chew alot of gum. Every day. Packs of it. At work, people know to come to me for gum. So my boss said to me, you should write a blog about gum. I know! Hurtful and sarcastic. But guess what? She wasn't being sarcastic. She really meant it. And that is the story of how this blog came to fruition. Juicy Fruit-ion. I think I just found the level of this blog.